Tuesday, 4 December 2018

Catch 2.2

Lord Major-Major had a problem, his problem was this; two of his squadrons were asking permission to bomb each other in a deal with UKIP. The argument was this was a cost effective way to continue the Tory Party Civil War over Europe and kept UKIP on the side-lines.

His subordinate and aide Colonel Grey sat sipping the rather second rate Cyprus sherry his Lordship was so fond of while trying not to hear the rattle of three dried peas being manipulated in his Lordship's left hand.

Lord Major-Major leaned forward as if to speak, opened his mouth like a gaping fish then, just as suddenly, closed and leaned back again in his chair. His lordship closed his eyes and sighed leaned forward and engaged Colonel Grey's eyes.

"So the "Tory: Utter Bastards" group want my support over Ms May's deal so they can bomb the "Utter Bastard Tories" and vice-versa for the "no deal" group. Hhmmm!  A tricky one, Grey, don't you think?"

"As both are utter bastards, sir, I don't see the problem?"

"It is a matter of degree, Grey, of degree! My problem is, I know they are all utter bastards after what they did to me. Yet I have the integrity of the Conservative Party to consider."

"Bit of an oxymoron there, sir, Conservative Party and integrity in the same sentence."

"What? Oh! Very droll, Grey, vey droll. I need to think how to keep overall party unity so there are some survivors to keep our mighty UK Parliamentary Union under our singular control as the natural party of government."

"Don't think the Jocks see the Conservatives as the natural party of Government, given the popularity of the SNP over the other side of Hadrian's Wall. Not even the Corbynator can claim Scotland as a Labour fiefdom any longer. Time to get real. sir, we need to shorten our battle lines and let the Jocks go before they walk any way."

"I can not allow that to happen because if I do both the "Tory: Utter Bastards" and the "Utter Bastard Tories" will turn on me and claim it is all my fault because I undermined May or the idiot savant Boris Johnson's by breaking our glorious United Kingdom with my dithering. Apart from that; if the Jock's take away, with them, physical and fiscal control of the oil, the gas and the electricity supply we are truly screwed. London's lights go off with out Jock electricity. The hike in petrol prices alone in the SE will make Paris' current rioting look like a picnic, chuck in the hike in gas and electricity costs in England and the SE in particular ... see what I mean?"

"Surely someone in the Conservative Party's leadership saw this coming, the warning was there in 2014, squeeze the Jocks any further and they will say "Stuff the UK for a game of soldiers". The less polite Jocks will be slightly more robust in their comment, especially now the Conservative Party have actually done all the things to Scotland they said would not happen, if they stayed in the UK Union."

"But Grey, the Jock's know their place - under the English thumb. Why would they get in a fuss, never have before in 300 odd years, after all they said "NO" in 2014. My problem is not the Jocks. they are always whining, it is the Conservative Party is too big and important to go bust; if it does, it will be a disaster for Queen and Country. Who will protect the Windsor tax dodgers and bludgers? Who will preserve our tax havens? The City of London Ponzi scams? All the other things that make us British! I can not allow this to happen, it will not happen on my watch."

A lackey enters bearing gifts, Grey opens the message envelops and reads:

"First message reads, "The Tory Government has just been found guilty of contempt of Parliament and must release all legal advice it has received on Brexit". The second message reads "The Jock's have won their advisory case in the European Court of Justice on the ability to stop Brexit dead in the water by a simple vote of the UK Parliament."

"Utter bastards!"