Monday, 16 July 2012

Bitter Together 5. Condominimum

Dennie and Lennie's first day as security guards was hardly stretching. Their 'uniform' consisted of a yellow and brown 'McWeinner's' (The dog's that not even dogs will eat) surplus baseball cap, a tabard with the McWeinner Olympic logo on it and an armband in the same garish vomit yellow with the word security on it in brown. Their job seemed to be mainly about preventing anyone stealing or defacing the promotional posters and hangings with "Proud sponsors of the Synchronised Swimming" and the McWeinner's Olympic logo on it. The London Olympics logo and the Olympic Committee Rings were there but so small as to be almost invisible.

They were also issued with their barcoded passes in the names of Douglas MacFadyen and Eric Lecky along with the new date of birth and life history they had been learning since sunrise that morning. They were given ten pound's each worth of what appeared to be McWeinner 'Smiley Burger' vouchers until you read the small print where it said, 'Redeemable at other official Olympic food outlets' as their day's payment. The boys were easing into their characters of Dougie and Lecky with only occasional slip ups but both agreed if it was not for the £1000 up front and the £1,000 each on their safe return there was no way they would have done this job if potential food poisoning from a 'Smelly Burger' was the only working benefit on offer.

Their Supervisor took the boys to show them their patrol route in the basement of the pool. Their task was to ensure no members of the public and especially members of Synchronised Swimming squads or their coaches could get anywhere near the pump and drainage room at any time. In a recent competition in Anatolia, prior to the Chinese Synchronised Swimming World Champions entering the water for their expected medal winning and world title retaining performance, a member of an opposing team had managed to introduce concentrated chilli oil, via the chlorine filter, into the pool with disastrous results for the Chinese girls, some of whose vision had still not fully recovered. The Chinese Swimming Authorities were not worried that much about the girls, there were plenty of replacements who were just as good, but they had lost their world crown because the girls had not completed their full routine, were therefore disqualified and that really hurt the Chinese in the run up to the Olympics.

They would be on twelve hour shifts, eight until eight, and because the Jockanese twins were last to join, they had drawn the first week of nights so they better get back to their cardboard box, squat or motorway under pass, get some zeds in, be back and checked in well before their shift started tonight - if they were late they should just forget turning up as the Supervisor had a box full of unemployed dossers who wanted the job.

The Presiding Officer, on hearing the content, agreed to allow First Minister Grayling to make an announcement to the Scottish Parliament prior to the opposition slapstick and slapping down session that was First Minister's Questions.

"Members of the Scottish Parliament I thank you, through the grace of the Presiding Officer, to be allowed to take a few minutes of the time available to question me and through me my government but what I have to say has an impact not just on Scotland but potentially the UK and its future relationship with the rest of the world.

It has been brought to my attention, by the team investigating Organised Crime in Scotland's Cities, they have intercepted telephone call between gang members discussing an operation called 'Cockleshell'.  Apparently some extremists on the pro-Unionist side wish to use the Olympics for their own ends and tar Scotland's pro-independence campaign as an organisation more in common with the violent attempt at over throw in the style of the PIRA of Northern Ireland's 'Troubles'. It appears they have engaged with Scotland's organised crime to make something happen so they can raise once again the empty canard of the Scottish National Liberation Army and a too poor, too wee, too stupid Scottish Parliament unable to control extremists.

I trust the Scottish Parliament will join me in unanimously condemning any such act of violence by any side or party involved in the debate on Scottish Independence. On completion of FMQ's and on the advice of the Solicitor General I will be contacting the Scottish Office with a full briefing on what the Police Operation into Organised Crime has inadvertently uncovered. Until I have done that I will not take any further questions on this breech of UK national security as it is an issue reserved for Westminster."

In the silence that followed Gemima looked at the opposition front bench teams. It was clear from the look on their faces they were like mushrooms on this issue - being kept in the dark. Over in the BBC Scotland 'box' she saw the gallumphing political editor, for once, had hud his wheesht, was looking stunned and would clearly struggle to turn today's FMQ's session into a vision of SNP incompetence, as was his norm. In the glance around the rest of parliament it became very obvious to Gemima that even the London 'backwoods men'  rabble rousers had not been told about their Westminster masters' new game. Someone should tell new Tory leader, Rosemary, that a 'deid huddy' impersonation was not flattering. The Presiding Officer broke the spell by inviting Daphne to pose her first question to the FM. It was equally clear to Gemima, Daphne's heart was not in the vitriol Daphne had been sent forth, by her London handlers, to spew out and slay the SNP dragon - successfully, they hoped, this time. Gemima almost felt sorry for Daphne but then politics broke out, her nascent compassion for Daphne fled, her political claws came out and it was time to sink them into the Unionist apologists, yet again.

Grindstone looked carefully at the bank debit card as he sat at his computer desk in Woking while the latest lot of documents and voice files on 'Cockleshell' were loading to his BT vault via his 'English to Klingon' translator. He had, at first, thought the bank was some mythical one made up by the SIS / SAS but when he 'Googled' the bank's name there it was, a real bank, in the Cayman Islands more over when he checked back into his 'Cockleshell' files it was the same bank and bank account he had transferred £250,000 to as part of 'Cockleshell'. The name on the card was Ms S Fitzsimmons which also turned out to be the maiden name of Sir Nigel's wife. Grindstone went to the bank's digital banking web site, entered the account number on the card and was greeted with 'Hello Sir Nigel, please enter your pin and password when requested.' on the screen. He remembered reading strange things about Cayman Island bank's operating with dubious legality and his worm popped up and suggested how could Sir Nigel complain about money missing from a less than legal Cayman Island's account he was not supposed to have in the first place?

Grindstone spent the rest of Thursday evening looking at the 'how's' and 'where afters' of moving money from a Cayman Island account to say, Switzerland, with out it being traceable to Switzerland or from the Cayman Islands. Once that process had been sorted all that was left to do was to set up a Swiss bank account and work out the password and pin number Sir Nigel had used. The latter he would do when he was clearing Sir Nigel's desk on Friday, the last job left to do in Internal Affairs prior to being sent on indefinite gardening leave from the Civil Service until his 'official' retirement date.

The Scottish Secretary put the phone down at the end of his telephone call with the First Minister. Robin Dinwoodie ( MP, Libdem, Shetlands) looked around the room at his ministers and senior civil servants, turning ever more red with each passing second - "You heard that!" he raged, "Now find out what the fuck is going on as currently I have been left hanging out to dry by some UKIP or right wing Tory retard who is bound to be behind "Cockleshell". If Cambourne wishes to keep his fat arse in Downing Street and this coalition is to survive he has some extreme brown nosing to do ... yes, what the fucking hell is it now!"

A young intern had poked her head around the door, after the blast she just said, "Mr Beige says, have you seen Sky News or Bloomburg as they are running a story on a modern day Scottish Gunpowder plot." She then burst into tears as her head disappeared back behind the door.

"Shit that is all we need: that bitch Grayling must have had a press release ready to go as soon as she put the phone down. Get me the head of News at the BBC and see if we can't spike the story there, at least, same with the Telegraph and the Mail - the other two will now be rubbing their hands in delight. I need to know who will be shoving microphones up my nose, so get onto seeing which media channels and newspapers are running with the story. Get me on Newsnicht Scotland tonight by video link so I can run a spoiler and make sure BBC Scotland does not have a SNP MSP or MP anywhere near Pacific Quay so I can make it stick without question or contradiction. Has nobody got hold of that bastard Cambourne yet!"

Dickie was not a happy chancellor it appeared that part of the missing £40 billion was from unpaid taxes by the big four banks compounded by the impact of the same big four banks playing the London Inter Bank Lending Rate for their own advantage and to maximise profits for their trading arms in the 'City'. Dickie's best friend had just resigned as chairman of one bank and another was going to be lucky to avoid a criminal conviction for rate fixing. There was no chance of avoiding a few top level sacrifices in the UK banks if what the US Treasury official just said to him about allowing requests for UK bankers extradition to the US,  in the view of Ms Clinton, as being the only hope to save what is left of the thread bare Atlantic 'special relationship'. Dickie was about to head over to tell Blair the bad news when one of his staffers stopped him and pointed him at Sky News where he heard the SNP spokesperson for legal affairs asking how safe was Scotland against terrorism as part of the UK when it had taken a chance intercept by the Scottish Police Service to find out information the SIS should have been tracking, as anti-terrorism activity was a reserved issue for Westminster and a supposed 'stronger together' Union benefit. Dickie's PPS came over and asked if he was going to see the Prime Minister. Dickie nodded in assent only to be advised to go anywhere else as the Scottish Secretary of State was next door and the term, 'not a happy man' did not cover how the Secretary was reacting, even to a fig leaf extent, so naked was the Scottish Secretary's anger. Dickie went back to his private office, telephoned John Daring - his predecessor as chancellor - and agreed to meet for dinner. The London bank rate scam was dangerous for both of them. Time to get their heads below the parapet and work out how to keep themselves safe from as much collateral damage as possible. He was going to suggest it was time for an Operation Chuckle Brothers with a lot of 'to me, to you' misinformation played out between them.

'Cockleshell' well that was Blair's own problem. Dickie had always thought the plan cooked up by Sir Nigel and Blair was very dangerous. He had, of course, never, ever said so as to do so would have been being disloyal to Blair, yet Dickie had often thought it. Dickie smiled as he considered there was a good chance the 1922 Committee would buy that line when the shit hit the fan. An agreement of collective guilt in not dissuading the Prime Minister from his path but for reasons Tories still held dear: loyalty to the man.

Just off Hackney High Street in the back bedroom Lennie and Dennie were temporarily calling home, the boys were learning about shaped explosive charges, the use of tin foil and the setting of pencil detonators. They had expressed their concerns over this particular turn of events in their employment and implied they would prefer to withdraw their labour. The situation was explained to them in simple terms. They could do what they were about to be paid £1,000 each to do. Place the explosives, set the detonator and walk away or choose to remain securely attached to the explosives when they went off. If they walked away and the explosives did not go off they could consider themselves dead in any case. The method of their death, in that instance, would be nowhere as tender or quick as simply being blown into lots of tiny pieces by Semtex. Did they understand?

Lennie and Dennie nodded. 'Good', their Rastafarian protecting angel said, just before he went onto describe just how the explosive was going to get into the venue inside Lennie and Dennie's persons. It involved the explosive, a condom or two and a lot of Vaseline.

Rod's snoring was really starting to get to Dan Defoe. Only three more days and if there was no authorisation they would be walking out, heading to a safe house for a long hot bath, a decent meal and home to Hereford to find out just what went wrong -  this time.

Spud Murphy watched the BBC Six O'Clock news with a degree of fear, at first, more because of Louis's potentially violent response to the 'Cockleshell debacle' but lessening at every minute as he recognised a Westminster Parliamentary cover up in full steam - if at odds with itself. The Scottish Secretary was denying such a scheme to undermine the upcoming Scottish referendum existed and the terrorist attack scenario was an SNP scare story while the Prime Minister was far more cagey saying he would be calling  a COBRA meeting, in the light of the up coming London Olympics, to look at the evidence and take any action required to respond to the detailed information received from the Scottish Police Service. Murphy also knew on previous occasions tenuous links between the Scottish National Liberation Army and the SIS had been made in the Scottish media and equally as quickly the story had been spiked. Maybe it was time for a spokesman for the Orange Lodge to release a statement to the Daily Retard saying a few members had been approached by a SIS agent provocateur to undertake a terrorist style attack on the London Olympics to help save the Union but had rejected his advances. This statement should be enough to ensure the UK Government investigation and blame game came nowhere near them as if it did, the same Orange Order Spokesman would be releasing the address of the SIS safe house in Glasgow, photographs of the interior of the flat in Partick plus a photograph and description of Agent McPhail. His new mobile rang. He looked at the caller ID, "Ah Louis, ah thought'd be you, how's yersel' ..." After calming Louis Rodin down, Murphy called his contact at the Retard and having been assured the 'statement' would run 'front page' in the Friday edition contacted his local Labour MP, who was Chair of the Scottish Affairs Committee, to let him know what was in the 'offing'. The response Murphy received from the MP was less than friendly until Murphy reminded O'Hallahan just who was responsible for ensuring the votes that kept O'Hallahan's nose in Westminster's trough. Murphy then decided that to call off either of the ' Bugger Cockleshell attacks' at this late stage would be more dangerous than letting them go ahead and anyway the local Labour MPs, MSPs and especially Glasgow councillors could do with a wee reminder of just who actually pulls their strings. His next call was to the head of the McGovern Clan to discuss potential political and business opportunities this whole 'stramash' was already and could potentially create for them all.

In Bute House there was great entertainment being had by the SNP cabinet watching the usual suspects at Westminster trip up over their lines and frequently contradict themselves. It was clear the Tory side of the alliance knew a lot more about 'Cockleshell' in their measured response than the Libdems. It was also clear the Tories were not telling their coalition partners what they knew and were deliberately winding the Scottish Secretary up to make him into their scapegoat if it all went horribly wrong.

Gemima looked round as Seonidh entered the room, came directly towards her and whispered in her ear. The rest of the cabinet waited and then Gemima announced that BBC Scotland were giving the Scottish Secretary most of Newsnicht to let him 'state his case' against SNP scare mongering over Olympic terrorism. There would be  no opportunity of reply as the studio 'experts' were going to be Daphne, Rosemary and the 'nutty professor' from Strathclyde University. It would seem, team, continued Gemima, they are running very scared of what 'Cockleshell' may end up doing. I have just authorised Seonidh to send out the standard E-mails to the BBC Trust Chair, Director General and senior editors complaining about lack of SNP representation on an issue of such vital importance to Scotland. I will make the same point when I appear on the STV's 'Scotland Tonight' this evening especially as Seonidh has also got wind of a statement from the Orange Order in tomorrow's Retard saying they were approached by the SIS to help with a plot very like 'Cockleshell'. It would appear from this statement our organised crime families and their agents are also distancing themselves from this project and putting a firewall in place to protect themselves from any retribution.

At midnight Cambourne sat with his special advisors discussing what out was left for Cambourne from 'Cockleshell'. It was clear, all they were left with was to 'blame the minions' if the operation went ahead. In comparison the London Interbank Lending rate scam solution was easy. They could spread the muck evenly around this and the previous government's light touch bank regulation. Reports would be reported, lesson would be learned, regulations would be tightened but, in effect, the City of London's money makers would carry on untrammelled by any sense of propriety, decency or guilt while continuing to cheat and scam the rest of the world and each other on their way to their personal fortunes. In the process the Prime Minister's offshore accounts would continue to grow in a healthy manner as the people of Britain suffered from his 'austerity' measures. In 'Yuppie' terms a 'loads a money', ever growing cash wad for him.

Dinwoodie looked at the Retard's headline story confirming there had been a SIS approach to the Orange Order and started to plan just how he was going to blow the coalition apart - he was not going to be the Tory's patsy for this foul up, he was going to have Blair and Dickie's arses if it was the last political play he ever made. New Labour had lost it in Scotland, their supposed criminal minions were now running the party, his New Labour Shadow was going down as well. He picked up his phone to his PPS, "I want all the dirt you can find on Glasgow Labour's dealings with Murphy, Rodin and the McGoverns."

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