Thursday, 3 December 2015

Eejitian Battle Planning

A couple of days ago I introduced you to the Eejitians and the Eejit Government touching on their customs, habits and language and giving you, by way of an example, how they deal with any Eejitian the Eejit Government  thinks is trying to subvert its purpose by actually thinking for themselves. Their solution to any Eejit who they consider a dangerous thinker is a classic Eejit one, rather than listening to the different idea in case it might be better than the one they are determined to follow, they shift the dangerous 'thought terrorist' some where far from Eejit's shores where they can not infect any of the rest of the docile and eejit, Eejitian populous with their 'not on message' views; as provided to the Eejitian populous by the two main Eejitian tabloids, the Black Hole and the Repeating Record. Within the Eejitian Government this process is known as 'posting the problem sideways' which works on the basis once the Eejitian concerned is living overseas, if they are really that bright, they will not ever wish to return to Eejit unless they are truly stupid.

I also discussed how the Eejitian Government was paying the British Empire to bomb Eejitian oil fields to get rid of the terrorist group Damnmess, the British Empire had put in in the first place to ensure Eejitian oil field security from terrorists and further the Eejitian Government had agreed to pay the British Empire oil company to restore the damage the British Empire bombing would inevitably cause to the oil fields. Thus it was a bit embarrassing when the Eejitian Defence Minister piped up would they not save a few billion squid (Eejitian) and do the job against Damnmess themselves using the expensive aircraft and bombs they had bought from the British Empire in the first place.

This brought a major dilemma for the Prime Minister of Eejit, the Rightly Rotund, Balefully Halfanahalf because he knew one of the only truly effective bits of the Eejitian Government was its military and to go against the Defence Minister would possible spoil his dinner, in the way a bullet in the head often does. His concerns for the state of his BAE and Raytheon shares and the vast dividend the British Empire bombing would bring his Swiss Franc funds in Zurich would have to be put on hold while on the other hand the 10% top slice for buying replacement Typhoon fighters from BAE could more than make up for it. Prime Minister Halfanahalf called for a coffee break in the Eejitian Government Cabinet meeting while he popped off to check the figures with his stock broker and hedge fund manager. The result of his fiscal contemplations were very pleasing and gave rise to him supporting the Defence Minister's proposal but put an amendment to the proposal for the Eejitian Air Force to merely assist the British Empire bombing campaign rather than doing it themselves. The Cabinet all agreed with this plan and the Prime Minister's amendment after quick telephone calls to their own stock brokers and hedge fund managers to check on the impact on their own US dollar or Swiss franc portfolios.


With this authority to go to war the defence minister met with the 12 crack aviators of the Eejitian Air Force to tell them of their great and noble opportunity to shed blood for their fatherland. Note: the Defence Minister was very careful not to define whose blood would be shed but given the condition of their aircraft the pilots had a good idea. Out of the 180 FU4 Corsair aircraft which had been bought at a World War 2 US Army Surplus sale as a job lot, the Eejitian Air Force had managed to get eight serviceable by canabalising the rest. The US Army surplus 500lb bombs were a mere twenty years past their use by date while there was enough .50 caliber machine gun rounds to allow each of the eight serviceable Eejitian air craft a three second strafing burst. The current fuel reserve held on the airbase would allow them to undertake three sorties, unless the Defence Ministry bought some more, which meant they would run out of fuel before they ran out of bombs. On the basis of this highly suspect logistical train the Eejitian Air force was going to war. The Black Hole and Repeating Record tabloids both ran articles on how the Eejitian Air Force was 'state of the art' and how it would operate alongside the British Empire as a major partner and had front page pictures showing massed Eejitian crowds outside parliament protesting in support of the war against Damnmess, well they did after the photo editors had photo-shopped out all the anti war placards and replaced them with pro-government slogans. Eejitian TV and Radio made no mention of any anti-war protests or that 80% of Eejitians wanted no part in the bombing, instead Eejitian meedja made a big thing about the Eejitian precision missiles their brave pilots would use against Damnmess which was news to the Eejitian Air force pilots until it was revealed their armourers had found 60lb rocket projectiles and their launching racks round the back of some old bedsteads in the armoury. The Armourers had test fired one rocket and apparently it worked without exploding on the launch rail, much to everyone's surprise even though its date of manufacture was 1944. The Eejitian army was forced to send the air force all its .50 caliber rounds so now the air force had ten seconds worth of strafing run per plane and fuel (enough for five sorties). 

So D-day came around and the Eejitian Air Force flew off in support of the British Empire air force's bombing campaign. Of course there was no way the Eejitian's FU4 Corsairs could keep up with the supersonic Typhoons and Tornadoes so to co-ordinate attacks they took off two hours before the raid to ensure they were there on time. Most of the Eejitian Pilots never saw the British Empire aircraft as they launched their bombs and missiles from ten miles away and 20,000 feet above the Eejitian aircraft's operational ceiling. By the time the dust had settled so they could see the target Damness were actively firing Stinger missiles and heavy caliber anti-aircraft rounds at them. It was also highly noticeable to the Eejitian pilots that the precision weapons of the British Empire planes had left the Damnmess positions untouched while wrecking chunks of the oil refinery left, right and centre. So they flew into the missile and anti-aircraft barrage mopping up largely untouched Damnmess heavy weapons positions. That our intrepid Eejitian pilots all survived unscathed had more to do with the relative low speed of their planes versus the modern predictor, fire control systems used by Damnmess which were designed to track and acquire aircraft operating at the speed of sound or above. Not much use to Damnmess when the British Empire which sold them the systems could jam them with ease and used stand off weapons anyway. More of a surprise to the Eejitian pilots was just how effective the 1944 era, 60lb rockets were in destroying Damnmess positions.

The British Empire claimed their raid a great success and forced the Eejitian Government to suppress all Eejitian Air force gun camera footage which showed just who had actually been effective in taking on Damnmess and the collateral damage done to the refinery by British Empire aircraft. The British Empire tabloids such as the Sun and Daily Mail, presented frames from the Eejitian gun camera films showing the destruction of Damnmess positions, claiming they were footage from the highly sophisticated British Empire attack, under the headline, "Gotcha Towelheads!".


The repercussion on the Eejitians were swift as their supposed Automan allies to the north started bombing the Eejitian airfield to protect their Automan supply of oil from Damnmess while their other supposed ally to the south, Sodallbaby, declared religious war on Eejit for attacking the true believers of Damnmess - though Sodallbaby never explained what this belief was they shared with Damnmess nor was it even true. On the other hand the Prince of Persil declared he would protect Eejit from all comers and especially his biggest enemy in the region, the King of Sodallbaby, with whom his family had a longstanding blood feud as to what was there actually to believe, how it should be believed and which one was true whether either believed it or not.

Our friend Scats; now safely in the Eejitian Embassy in Dublin, in spite of all Ryan Air's attempts to send him to Belgrade or Helsinki as the nearest airport to Dublin (honest, just a taxi ride away), learned a useful Anglo-Saxon phrase to describe what was now going on in his country and region from the beautiful, green eyed, red headed young Irish lady teaching him English, who he was falling deeply in love with; that phrase was, "a cluster fuck!"

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