Since there has been a plethora of Spring Conferences - Tories down south, Liblabdems in Scotland - just what have we learnt about their policies and direction?
For the Tories it has been about self congratualtions for their daring to privatise the English health service, English police, military, the House of Commons, welfare - in fact anything they can get their grimy hands on and what a success they have complimented themselves by doing so. In the meantime English folk have to sell their Grannies' houses from under them (in some cases even their Grannies as well) to pay for levels of care the 1948 Welfare Reforms were supposed to ensure were their Grannie's by right. The police will soon be seeing 'Reliant or Sureguard or S4C logos emblazoned on their cars as the robocop style commercialisation of law and order 'Conservative style' takes to the streets while they are directed as to which crimes are most cost effective and profitable for the company.
No doubt the new police call centres will be staffed by part time chronically ill who are deemed fit for work by the privatised Welfare needs test which will be permanently undermanned as the high performance and stressed call centre work load converts the chronically ill into acutely ill cases impacting on the privatised NHS England's 'Blue cross' scheme which will then be changed on cost effectiveness grounds to exclude chronically ill who have failed the privatised welfare needs test in the first place, as they are not really ill and just faking it.
So while large chunks of England see health and welfare services decline to levels not seen since Dicken's first got in a twist about it, the Conservatives and their friends will bring in a new enclosures act to ensure no one with an income of less than £250,000 a year can live within two miles of them unless they are paid up Conservative Party members: which means they will be earning more than £250,000 pa in any case as Dave does not want any 'poor' people in his party. It is not a great leap of logic for Dave to then declare the Conservatives have solved the problem of poverty.
Over in the mutton dressed as lamb section of the Labour Farm in Dundee, the talking horse, Mr Ed, had deigned to come and speak to his best Scotch sheep. In amongst his neigh saying against Scotland's greatest bogeyman since McFungus the bogeyman, he tells them how spotless their mangy, worm ridden, heaving fleeces are, how clever they are being, how Mr Ed's pals from the London candidate slaughter market are not wolves in sheep's clothing but just there to tidy up the odd carcase and as long as they continue to 'Baa' along the lines Mr Ed's friend, Veternarian Mr Murphy, says; the Wolves in sheeps clothing will not cull the loyal sheep and only take their first born to help fund the betterment of the Unified Labour Farm. While a lot of folk looking at his Scotch sheep consider them not fit for a dog's dinner (given they would make any honest dog spew) Mr Ed tells them they do not need to apologise because they are Scotch Labour sheep and everyone knows they are best of breed.
The chief ewe of the Scotch sheep gets up on her hind legs and baa's along with Mr Ed about how ungrateful all the folk are that no longer buy Labour's Scotch sheep products and the fact Mr McAveety's famous Labour pies are devoid of content does not deflect from the fact he is a champion pie maker - even if the police are currently questioning him about certain expenses claimed for said content. "Its all that nasty bogeyman's fault", she baas, " Making pies that have real substance. Folk in Scotland have long been happy with Labour's empty Scotch mutton pies and when Mr McAveety wins the next pie making competition, that's what they'll be getting for another 300 years."
Mean while in a phone box just outside the Eden Centre in Inverness, a wee yapping dog is barking excitedly at anyone who goes past which is, in fact, most of the folk. Occasionally a passerby takes pity on the wee barking dug and stops to give him a pet at which point he stops yapping and pees on their leg instead. Folk he really thinks he likes he will try to hump their knee. Yet what ever he tries, most folk just find him unpleasant, smelly, flea ridden and understand why he is tied to the outside of the phone box.
Inside the Eden Hall phone box, his bewigged master, Laard of Tankedootness, tells anyone who will listen that he has a more cunning plan than any of the others in Westminsterland to stop the mad and dangerous Scottish bogeyman once and for all. Apparently his cunning plan is to give into the demands of the bogeyman but only after everyone in Scotland has told the bogeyman they do not want the bogeyman's demands. Lord Halitosis of Hawick and environs is perched in his inside jacket pocket and his high pitched voice can be heard at first agreeing with Laard Tankedootness, then whining about how it was his idea in the first place and how this is getting just like when his ex-friend David Owen used to keep him in his top pocket.
There is a slight chilling as the door opens a sliver and the Wraith of Russell drifts in, he claims he has an even more cunning plan; why don't they dust of the Home Rule Bill they had first promised the people of Scotland in 1911 and have a long meeting about what to call it this time around.
"Let's call it the 'The Libdems new name for the old Liberal 1911 chesnut of home rule for Scotland commission' for simplicity." says the Wraith, "By the time we come to a conclusion all these silly Scots people who are talking about independence will be dead or reduced to zombies that I, Wraith of Russell, can control. After all, I have not done a bad job on young Moore or Beaker Alexander?"
The masters of Libdem past, present and future hear the sound of someone pissing on the outside of their phone box,the pish leaking inwards. Lord Halitosis squeaks it would be better having the person concerned pissing inside to out rather than the current way. So they think of a job he can do which will keep him out their way .. "I know", says Wraith of Russell, "Let's make him our representative on the 'How will we kill the Scottish Bogeyman stone dead, this time' commission".
They let the wee dug in as he's stopped yapping, there is a funny odour about the wee dug, he's soaking wet and slightly whisky smelling in scent .... there is clearly a lot of pish being generated around the Libdem Conference.