Saturday, 29 March 2014

Deep Thought ..

After reading the contrary articles posted on the Gruniad web site on the currency union / no currency union issue, while waiting for Noel Edmond's TV game show of the same name to be commissioned I read the equally amazing posts of hatred and disdain aimed at the 'sweaty Jocks' which accompanied them, I decided I had a great need to analyse just what Better Together's core policies are.

To this end I inputted all the data I had on Better Together pronouncements, the speeches of Chairman Al, the Jokes of Jim the Murphy and the Laments of Lamont.

I then fed all this data into a program I wrote running a combination of Chaos Theory, Foucalt's Phenomenon, Newton's zeroth law, a Lalland Scots bullshit filter and Schrodinger's Cat then waited as my poor tower struggled to unravel the question the program was designed to reveal - just what are the core policies of Better Together.

The computer ran hot, then cold, then hot again to the point I could see glowing points around the CPU. Just as I thought it was going to give me the computer equivalent of 'go forth and multiply' by crashing and burning the cooling fans suddenly dropped from their hypersonic squeal, to a high scream and eventually to a steady hum. 

A Deep Thought style screen appeared telling me my computer had an answer, was I ready and hoped I would not be disappointed with the calculation. I clicked Yes for the answer and this is what the computer revealed:

Better Together's Campaign is based on two, core policies and these are:

  1. See you! Jist dinae goan dae that, jist dinnae. Jist dae quhit yer telt - ye glaikit, scunnering, poxy wee Jock. Ma pals doon in Westmeenster ken better, jist shut it - richt!
  2. See yon bastirtin' Salmond - we jist hate him, say wae dae. Wan dae we're goan tae gie him a richt Timsoning, sae we are!
  Somehow, I was not as surprised as I should be.

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