I don't know about you but now when I hear the words, "This is the BBC News", on whatever medium my brain automatically goes onto standby and thinks about whether I need the loo, to put the kettle on or teach the hamster Hebrew. It is the same system I have long used during adverts such as those telling me to pay for my own funeral, you old scrounger, so as not to burden your kids or anything to do with Screwfix who I wish would do as their name suggests. To get me to engage my brain with BBC News would require a statement from one of those impartial, honest and holistic BBC news persons such as, "HM The Queen just got her tits out on the Buckingham House veranda and waved them at on lookers." So I was surprised when some BBC apparatchik mentioned Balls and Milliband along with the word 'Scotland' that the lights went on and my brain went 'quhit!'
Those who take the trouble to read what I write know I avoid exclamation marks like the plague but this is an exception. My brain rewound what I thought I had just heard and played it back to me, I still could not comprehend why I had been rudely awakened from my day dream of the Jambos lifting the European Champions Cup. No my conscious brain uttered, they could not have just said that: they most certainly did, said the subconscious bit that had done the listening, go and check on line if you still do not believe what you actually heard. So I did.
So let me get this straight, Miliband and Balls big idea was to come to Scotland, speak to an invited audience, basically themselves, and say they agreed with David Cameron; Scotland would not pass go, would not collect Full Fiscal Autonomy nor be 'allowed' to have another vote to see if we had had enough of the UK Union ever, ever again - PS; you are also going to be stuck with 'Son of Trident' as well because we do not want it in England. This was their big idea to stop and reverse the heamorrhaging 'Scotch Labour' vote by offering more proof to a large chunk of Scots they are in fact 'Red Tories'.They may well be Red Tories but we Scots must vote for them anyway because the SNP are really baad people; cross Ed Balls Heart and I promise to hammer a stake through it, that is how serious I, Ed Miliband, am about how baad the SNP are. After which they contrived to disappear up Jim Murphy's fundament to the echo of 'Gordon will save us' and teleported back to the safety of the London wonk bubble, having run up another ten thousand or so in expenses.
I may not be the sharpest tack in the box but I would suggest that coming to Scotland, where calling someone a Tory is the highest form of insult, and stating publicly you, Labour, agree with the official Tory Policy for Scotland; is not the best way to endear yourself to Scottish voters who are just about willing to handle you at arms length with a pair of coal tongs but only after donning rubber gloves and putting a peg on their nose. It leaves you wondering what sort of world McDougal and McTernan live in, just where do their planes of existence actually cross those of the Scottish public. Jim is not cutting the mustard, the fix to make him the chief gargoyle in Scotland has not worked, the Scots are just so stubborn when they find out they have been sold yet another pup, so Labour's Scotch flour graders have a long hard think and advise Labour Flour Grader HQ that a cunning idea would be to send Miliband and Balls north to put those uppity Jocks back in their box by saying they will be as hard on the Scots as the proper Tory Party when it comes to the naughty Jocks being sent to bed early with no supper. You have been warned, do not come greeting to us because you voted SNP and we decide to let the Tory Party continue on in Government because we hate the SNP for being the left of centre social democrats we wish we could be.
I sense a dose of the "Uncle Tom wobblies an' all" this weekend as the usual media operators seek to make this a last and final warning to Scotland to do as they are telt:
"Jist dinae goan dae that, jist dinnae - youse dinae ken whit yer doin by votin' SNP."
They just can not comprehend we know exactly what we are doing and why.
Those who take the trouble to read what I write know I avoid exclamation marks like the plague but this is an exception. My brain rewound what I thought I had just heard and played it back to me, I still could not comprehend why I had been rudely awakened from my day dream of the Jambos lifting the European Champions Cup. No my conscious brain uttered, they could not have just said that: they most certainly did, said the subconscious bit that had done the listening, go and check on line if you still do not believe what you actually heard. So I did.
So let me get this straight, Miliband and Balls big idea was to come to Scotland, speak to an invited audience, basically themselves, and say they agreed with David Cameron; Scotland would not pass go, would not collect Full Fiscal Autonomy nor be 'allowed' to have another vote to see if we had had enough of the UK Union ever, ever again - PS; you are also going to be stuck with 'Son of Trident' as well because we do not want it in England. This was their big idea to stop and reverse the heamorrhaging 'Scotch Labour' vote by offering more proof to a large chunk of Scots they are in fact 'Red Tories'.They may well be Red Tories but we Scots must vote for them anyway because the SNP are really baad people; cross Ed Balls Heart and I promise to hammer a stake through it, that is how serious I, Ed Miliband, am about how baad the SNP are. After which they contrived to disappear up Jim Murphy's fundament to the echo of 'Gordon will save us' and teleported back to the safety of the London wonk bubble, having run up another ten thousand or so in expenses.
I may not be the sharpest tack in the box but I would suggest that coming to Scotland, where calling someone a Tory is the highest form of insult, and stating publicly you, Labour, agree with the official Tory Policy for Scotland; is not the best way to endear yourself to Scottish voters who are just about willing to handle you at arms length with a pair of coal tongs but only after donning rubber gloves and putting a peg on their nose. It leaves you wondering what sort of world McDougal and McTernan live in, just where do their planes of existence actually cross those of the Scottish public. Jim is not cutting the mustard, the fix to make him the chief gargoyle in Scotland has not worked, the Scots are just so stubborn when they find out they have been sold yet another pup, so Labour's Scotch flour graders have a long hard think and advise Labour Flour Grader HQ that a cunning idea would be to send Miliband and Balls north to put those uppity Jocks back in their box by saying they will be as hard on the Scots as the proper Tory Party when it comes to the naughty Jocks being sent to bed early with no supper. You have been warned, do not come greeting to us because you voted SNP and we decide to let the Tory Party continue on in Government because we hate the SNP for being the left of centre social democrats we wish we could be.
I sense a dose of the "Uncle Tom wobblies an' all" this weekend as the usual media operators seek to make this a last and final warning to Scotland to do as they are telt:
"Jist dinae goan dae that, jist dinnae - youse dinae ken whit yer doin by votin' SNP."
They just can not comprehend we know exactly what we are doing and why.
Both true and funny. I loved the imagery of teaching a hamster Hebrew. I got addicted to blogs during our (first) referendum. The standard of writing and humour (on our side at least) is way higher than anything available in the MSM.
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