Another busted 'Vow'.

The nightmares are coming back, an article on PTSD in the Gruniad was the trigger; coupled with the clear ignorance presented by the 'Government Research Team' trying to claim violence associated with PTSD was already present as a character flaw or psychological trait before military training even commenced. Trying to avoid the obvious reality once a human being has been in combat they are changed, permanently, whether in the front line or dealing with the casualties when they return to 'normal life' after being in combat.

The MoD is still trying to say it is not their fault or responsibility that so many ex-combatants from Northern Ireland, Falklands, Bosnia, Gulf War or Afghanistan end up in prison for violent assaults or murder, routinely of people they know; far too often their wives or girl friends. The researchers on the Government 'Team' are working like mad to prove it is all the service personnel's, the Armed Services have trained to be violent, fault. Yet the numbers of ex-service personnel in jail for violence is around five times the norm for their age groups as is their likelihood to commit suicide or be homeless.

Here is my take on the causative link and it is pretty personal:

I was trained as a health care professional, I went to Dartmouth to complete my RN officer training, I was never trained to be violent. I had basic weapon training so, if I had to, I could use a weapon to protect the patients in my care. I was taught to fire, strip down and maintain a 9mm Browning pistol and a NATO Standard FM SLR.

My specific service related training was as a Triage and Resuscitation Officer and a Nuclear, Bacteriological and Chemical Defence Officer. The latter dealing with, for example, the known problems of nuclear weapon exposure in serving personnel and what to do.

In 1982 I saw active service in the Falklands, skip the details, but I came back angry at what I had seen and experienced plus the conduct of the politicians whose stupidity had put myself, friends and men on both sides into danger, maiming many, killing quite a few - six of my friends were in the latter group. On our return to the UK we faced the same problem my father's generation had in 1945 - just how do you explain what you saw and did. So you say nothing, you internalise the hurt and anger, you pretend to be 'normal' because that is what is expected of you by the service, especially as an officer of Her Majesty's Royal Navy and three weeks after you return, you are starting at your next posting where good folk, who have no clue what you did and saw, expect you to act as an officer.

You say nothing to them about your girlfriend in Plymouth who is now very worried who you are becoming because you pushed them into the entrance of Debenhams then threw yourself down on top of them when a car back fired in the street. Who by Christmas 1982 tries to let you down gently as the person you were before May 1982 has gone and she can no longer cope with who you are now. You nod and admit you have not been the best company, tend to get angry for no real reason, you understand; then stuff that anger into the pressure cooker with the rest, screw the top down and tighten the safety valve down another turn.

Then in January 1983 a friend who was with you in the Falklands is killed in a training accident in Norway, completely avoidable, a senior warrant officer made the wrong call, a stupid call. You had been part of the honour guard, three weeks before, at his wedding. You put that anger into the pressure vessel with all the rest.

Then you decide 'I am not making any new friends', because when they die it hurts and you are already hurting too much to take much more. You increasingly isolate yourself off or drink to excess when in company - it is easier if you can not remember the faces just in case they die as well.

PTSD whose origin is in combat is about internalised anger and the dissonance between what you know, saw, felt, smelled and experienced and what you have been taught 'society' expects of you or simply does not want to know - you are an officer deal with it!

You get married and try to have a normal life when four years in, while having a flash back nightmare you nearly strangle your wife, you lose the head with your two and half year old child for no other reason than you are angry with the world. Your Dad, who was your mentor and guide, dies - you stick that in the pressure vessel along with the rest because you do not have the time to deal with that, your practice, the increasing sense of failure as a husband and a father and your second kid. In your mid 30's you have your first breakdown, you assault your wife but still you can not say what you are actually angry about because it is now behind so many walls you can no longer see it - even if you wanted to (which you do not). So you lie to the Psychiatrist and play the counseling game because you are smart, educated and you know how to fake 'carrying on as normal'. Folk with depression spend a lot of time lying to themselves, so it is dead easy to fool others. The air bags in the car go off in an accident and you are back in the Falklands with the smell of cordite.

Eventually even you can no longer lie to yourself, something happens, an incident becomes a wrecking ball, the walls you built up so high come tumbling down and all you are left with is the raw anger you have been burying for twenty seven years. Your marriage has failed and your behaviour towards your ex-wife has driven a wedge between you and your daughter.

In between most of your surviving RN and RM friends from the time have failed marriages, too many have drink problems or have committed suicide - that is just amongst officers you knew.

Then you read in the Gruniad the current UK Government is trying to claim your violence and all the violence of others suffering from combat related PTSD is because you were a violent person before you signed on.

The nation's claimed 'covenant' with its Armed Forces is just another UK Government vow that is not fit to wipe your arse with, along with 'the NHS is safe in our hands' and 'Scotland will get full powers of devolution if you vote No in the referendum'.

I am not going to apologise for being angry because not telling people you are angry, causes your health and life serious problems. This is one lesson I have learned since October 1982 when my personal nightmare began and one have no intention of repeating.