Thursday, 22 January 2015

The 'Dreaded Blackspot' Report

We be very upset, me hearties, we 're unable to release the findin's of the 'Dreaded Blackspot' Report as we have yet to hear from Long John Silver's legal team on whether he accepts it was all his idea which being what started the whole miserable chain of events, in the first place.

Jim Lad has asked us to redact sections of conversations between him, Ben Gunn and Dr Livesey on the grounds they are of an intimate nature, doin' as they are to do with his personal beliefs an' sexual habits, an' havin' no bearing on the problem caused by the incident in the first place we be reportin' on. Even though Jim Lad's done pretty well out of the whole Blackspot palaver, as most folks here do know, what with all them doubloons in his Swiss Bank account and his well paid job bringing peace to piratical disputes, a nice little earner for no real effort or any result exceptin' he's gotten even richer, I says. Jim Lad is also wantin' it put about its not his fault the report is still in foolscap and nowhere yet near ready to go to press which is a bit much, I says, given he's been whinning all the way through 'Its just not fair' and 'Its not my fault' as he was just goin' along wi' that nice Mr Long John Silver out of fear for his own livelihood an' purse.

I knows there are families of pirates what were killed by Jim Lad and Long John's cunning plan what are waitin' to get compensation. Well, ye've been waitin' the best part of ten years so what's the problem wi' waitin' another ten, I says? Money is just money and it will not bring your men and women folk back, says I.

Afore you go, youse all know the Pirate Conclave elections are in the offin' an since things are just a bit on the tense side over this 'Dreaded Blackspot' Report, you'll all be much happier if'n we don' print the report 'till after the next Blue Moon, so's you don't bein' gettin' confused, angered or be offering violence to your humble representatives to the conclave when you find out just what we got up to, as you be knowin' we always act wi' yer best interests at heart, to which purpose we ever hold our own wallets close.

Afore youse all go back to your hovels, whore houses, inns or cesspits, I am a hopin' that'll you remember, one an' all, to putin' yer mark by my name as your Pirate Conclave representative when the votin' time comes, remeberin' all the great things I have done for you ever since I were first elected to the conclave as your representative.

So put your thumb print or mark for ol' Jim 'Janus' Murphy, the ordinary pirate's pirate - Arrrgh! Me hearties! Shiver me timbers! an' the like - an' things can go on as if nothing bad has ever happened to youse all an' I never, ever, stabbed you in the back, sold youse to slavers or split on youse to the Revenue for personal gain - exceptin' when it was for your own good, o' course, an' I'll shoot down any man jack o' youse what says otherwise.


  1. A face for all sides right enuff AYE

  2. Me thinks he should walks the plank.

  3. Loved it, well written, funny with a pinch of sarcasm.