Drug dependency ..

I am a junkie, without my daily fix of drugs I will fall apart, when I have run out and can not get my next fix my world begins to come apart. I get light headed, nauseus, my balance goes, my muscles cramp and spasm, my skin itches all over and I begin to panic.

I am clearly the 'sort of person' the Idiot Duncan Smith and his ATOS buddies need to get a grip of, sort out, put me on the straight and narrow, get me off my drug fix and turn me into a useful member of what ever the current rainbow Tory coalition at Westminster currently wish to define as 'society' - whether 'Big' or 'One nation' both are equivalent and total bullshit only viable in the empty space between the ears of the political chattering class and their media hangers on.

The balance between being 'well' on my drug habit and sick comes down to the failure of supply of any one of the drug cocktail I take on a daily basis. Ten days ago my GP called me to tell me the UK had run out of one of the drugs I take to reduce muscle spasm and cramp so I can sleep at night. Some balls up at the factory apparently meant there was none of this particular drug left in the whole world, the NHS could not lay their hands on a single tablet and could not for at least a month, so would I mind a 'cheaper' drug to deal with my night time symptoms.

Being a medical sort of chap I 'knew' the alternative drug, what it did and its usual side effects. What I was not aware of was the small print side effects when taken with other anti depressant drugs. Clearly my GP knew but did not see them as a 'risk' after all the most serious side effect (total dependency) only occurs on a long term dose which is far longer than the four to six weeks of the current 'supply side' problem, as our 'ubermensch' politicians at Westminster would describe it.

Within two days of the new addition my ex-wife described me as being 'zombiefied', on a different planet (well, an even more weird and different planet to the one I usually live on). I felt listless. I was getting night time cramps and severely disturbed sleep. I thought it was the impact of switching drugs and persevered for the next six days to let the new drug 'settle in'. I felt completely crap, totally lacking interest and with zero creativity. My existence had been reduced to 'Meh! Don't give a shit.' and the desire to remain in 'duvet world pyjama domain'.

So on Sunday I ditched the 'replacement' pill, slept no worse than I had done with it and on Monday woke up to a world of potential interest. A day with enough interest in life that I researched all the side effects and interactions of my new 'best pal' which, amongst other things, showed in 5% of cases the drug could worsen depression and prevent deep sleep. Lucky me - I got first prize in Norm's outside of three standard deviations stakes. Wednesday night my totally knackered body managed to get nearly ten hours of uninterupted sleep, courtesy of the slight misuse of one of the other drugs I take and a couple of glasses of wine (all pharmaceutically controlled doses - honest).

So tonight I find myself with the lights on and some one at home, so I thought I'd share this tale of  'just in time NHS supplies' and their down side. I also know just exactly what drugs to take to ensure I could not pass an ATOS assessment and for a small donation (at least a monkey but I'll take lemurs - if pushed), in a brown envelope behind the pipes in the gentleman's loo at Kirkcudbright Golf Club - I'll let you know the secret drug. Yet remember, to ensure the secret drug works you will have to be at least as deviant as me or any of the politicians at Westminster. No easy ask for normal human beings.

Tomorrow I will be calling my GP to give her the good news and listen for the sharp intake of breath when she has to munch into the practice drug budget for the far more expensive alternative which I would rather have avoided but wine and drugs are only a safe combination on the odd occasion. My liver would not last the month if I persevered.