Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Tam O'Shanter and Meg tells all ...

I am Iain Poulter-Giest, I investigate the paranormal. My interest was caught when I heard of the tale of Tam O'Shanter and went to interview him and his wife, Meg;

Tam: See it wis like this, me and Meg had ta'en a few bevvies an we wir feeling gallus and sort aa frisky sae oan oor wae hame we decided it wid be a hoot to hae a bit oh open air 'houghmagandie'. Sae Meg's says quhit aboot the auld kirk an I says fine thon slightly couped heid stane o' the Oxter-McGumphies is a guid place fir a knee trembler, the angle it lies it, ken..

Meg: An I says so it is, bit yon polished marble's cald ain ma airse an Tam whispers, Yer airse'll na git time to tak ony chill ... sae he did ....

Tam: Ony wise we we're jist getting oor breath back, an haein thochts about seconds, when Meg notices a flickering licht frae inside the ald Kirk an as Meg was still adjustin hersel', aa daunder aiver tae hae a squint in case it wis Neds try tae set the place a'licht. Bit quhit aa saw wis mare o' a sicht than thon. There wis thrie auld biddies in thir identical Pink Parakas huddled aroun a single gas stove wi somethin bieling in a tinny .... Meg saes she thocht it was Co-op Scottish Breakfast frae the aroma o' thon brew ....

This is the story Meg and Tam then told me:

The three women, Tam, who is not PC, called them old hags, were sat the middle of the Auld Alloway Kirk round their single camping gas burner. One, Tam said, never lifted her head through out the event I am about to describe.

The first Hag pulled back her hood threw something in the pot and said: "Skin of snake, eye of toad, that's McCluskey oot ra road." The middle one remained silent stirring constantly. The other Hag then pulled back her hood and piped up, "Well said Clatty Jackie," and threw something else into the pot, Tam's Meg reckonned it was a sugar lump, then said her piece, " Wi one almond, that's political death, for Alex Salmond". The middle one remained silent whilst Clatty Jackie congratulated Stairheid Meg for her excellent curse. While the two hags were cackling over their curses three men arrived at the tryst. Tam said the tallest of them was 'affy thane' and clearly the leader, this was confirmed by Stairheid Meg's next utterance, "All haile Jim Murphy, Thane aa East Renfrew, Makir aa Kings an' maybe's King hisel wan day." Clatty Jackie addressed the next, " All haile 'Wee Duggie' Alexander, Thane aa Paisley an South Renfrew, conquerer aa his planet brained sister, shadow tae the King's shadow." Tam said this was the only time the middle one spoke but only from under her hood, he never saw her face, "See you Davidson, wan step closer an I'll show youse a proper doin'." Davidson was suffixed with anger but stopped dead, as if cursed by the, otherwise, silent one. Tam reckoned she was the real power amongst the Hags.

Thane Murphy then said, " Have you have done as I asked of you?" and the one called Stairheid Meg then acted as spokesperson for the Hags, "Aye we have, Jim, but not as you know it. We have rid you of those who were united and threatened your power in Falkirk. We have placed a curse on Wee Eck, so he will shrivel up the next time he waves a saltire at Wimbledon. We placed stories in the minds of the BBC Scotland catamites to avert them from your awesome power. This we have done for you, Prince of the Dark Place, shadow behind the throne."

"King Ed?" asked Thane Murphy and Meg answered, "He is now in your power, we have summoned forth the spirit of the infernal demon, Tony the Blair, to blind him to all else." Thane Murphy then asked, "So will I be King one day?" Meg mystically answered, "Yes, unless Burnham Woods come to Dunsinane or Scotland votes 'Yes' in 2014."  "Both of those will never happen", replied Murphy, "So the crown is mine...". At this Murphy swung round, saw Tam and Meg and shouted, "Henry 'Devomax' McCleish's agents, gie them a doin!"

Tam said that he and Meg did a runner because they had heard what Murphy and his pals had done to Henry McCleish over ten years ago. It is said McCleish still has open suppurating wounds in his back from the multiple stabbing. The one called Davidson quickly ran out of puff and Alexander gave up once they got into the darkness on the other side of the 'brig' as Tam and Meg put it.

As Tam said, "Nae wae me nor Meg wis waiting around tae sample thon 'Et tu Brute' momment."

The truth of this tale, I will leave with you to ponder but remember truth is always far weirder than fiction.

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