Commonwealth Games

Glasgow is all hyped up with nowhere to go, travel lanes have been marked around the city so VIP's can be whisked from one photo opportunity to the next and even may occasionally take in a few points at the Ping Pong or watch the 'Guess the Weight on the bar' competitions (both with extra photo opportunities) while serially ignoring the real competition happening on the other side of the flash bulbs.

First up in the VIP Games will be the heats of the getting your anti-Scottish independence comment in first, in lane:

1. Provost 'Brown Envelope' Matheson - we could never have done this with out Westminster's support
2. Secretary of State for Portsmouth - this is why we are Better Together
3. Geezajob Dugdale - Eh, what ever wee Doogie's said is OK by me
4. David 'The Blob' Cameron - Scottish Independence will risk the Commonwealth Games' future
5. Ed 'Where am I' Milliband - Only the Labour Party can save the Scots from themselves and their deadly wish to be socialists
6. Jo Lamont - Eh, well, aye, but, then, Salmond's a right bastirt so he is
7. Doogie 'the back stabber' Alexander - Wee Eck's waving that Saltire again, typical Nazi
8. Danny 'not enough fingers and toes' Alexander - Memememe, Mememe ...

In the commentary box and BBC 'Argos' Gazebo on Glasgow Green the anal-isers and pundits will be in full flow;

"Well, 'Dunkin Donut' Taylor, who do you think will go through to the next round?"

"For me it has to be Jo Lamont, she has been in great form in the trials at Holyrood, easily ahead on the bullshitting count, leaving the Eck 'The Dictator of Scotland' in her wake every Thursday. She has the form and the advantage of being totally unintelligible to most of the Commonwealth (and most Scots when it comes down to it), I would put money on her at the current 100:1 against, a good bet."

"Who's it for you Skeletor Murphy?"

"Claire, I cannae see past Milliband, he's ma dead cert. I have been involved in advising oan his coaching fir this event an if he keeps tae the script an is lang as he tak's his thumb oot his erse and engages whit we humourously ca' his brain, he'll be jist fine .... Ma second runner's wee Doogie 'the backstabber' a viscious wee c(Bleep) wha did fir his ain sister, sae Wee Eck 'll be nae problemo, ah predict Wee Doogie 'll tak Salmond aff at the knees .....

That will be Reporting Scotland's line up, for the next two weeks, sorted. As for the actual games, the BBC is not really interested, they are in Scotland and nothing interesting ever happens in Scotland.