Friday, 2 December 2011

Cheese Ho! Ah Hav’n’y a Doacky? (Trans: I'm sorry, I haven't a clue)

“Welcome to another hilarious program from BBC Scotland’s news broadcasting unit it’s The Jelly’s Big Debacle. Tonight we are in beautiful Balingry (sounds of chairs being smashed along with the occasional window) and our randomly chosen audience is in fine fettle (Quick burst of the ‘Red Flag’ and ‘Come Labour Fair’ sung by the Balingry Male voice choir from the nearby Tawse Heid ‘snug’ bar). Tonight we have our usual selection of panellists covering the political spectrum in Scotland to play this game of wit, dash and humour. On my left, Glasgow’s new ‘Stairheid Rammy’ all comers champion, the delightful Johann Lamont MSP, and with her is the self justifying, part time Scotsman of all the airts -Tom Harris MP. While on my right, the eponymous ‘Beaker’ and his partner in crime at Westminster  - Mr Mundaine himself.” (Sounds of the ‘Last Night of the Proms’ crowd cheering to drown out Balingry audience’s subdued mutterings  - “Quhit a eedjit yon is! Am awa fir a pint! “  - and like local appreciation “Quhit a load of effin sh... s, the lot aa them! ”.)

The first round is the ever popular ‘Political sayings you can get away with on BBC Scotland’; Beaker?


Mundaine?   - “I believe Scotland is far stronger under Westminster rule.”

Stairheid?  -  “The Scottish Labour Party is the only party that stands for what Scots truly believe in.”

Mr Harris? – “The SNP Party machine controls all the cybernat posters in the world. Scotland’s daft if it thinks it can survive being independent, vote for me as ruler of the Scottish ruling party ....”

The Jelly: “Thanks Mr Harris .....”

“...... I will not be Ed Milliband’s stooge ....”

The Jelly:  “Mr Harris .. hud yer wheesht....”

“..... I accuse the SNP of scaring Gordon Brown into keeping quiet about the radioactive dump in his constituency...”

The Jelly:  “Mr Harris – desist! The next round  .....”

“... I accuse the SNP of conning the Scottish people into voting for them under false pretences that their political aim is for Scottish Independence ....”

There is a sound of wood against wood as Stairheid takes her rolling pin to T Harris....

The Jelly: “Thank you Ms Lamont for that humorous interjection and to the next round where I ask the panel to complete a well known political saying or statement, Johann the first one is; If Alex Salmond was run over by a bus I would....

“Complete the job with a steam roller?”

“Beaker?” – “Me,me,me,me,me?”

“Mr Mundaine?” – “Make sure I was out the country in case I got the blame?”

“Mr Harris?” – “Accuse the driver of being a member of the SNP?”

The Jelly: “The correct answer is - not even ask the driver his name!”

This is immediately followed by the House of Common’s fake laughter being dubbed over by the BBC engineers to cover the sound of police sirens and rioting as it is time for the U16 Balingry Palais de Dance to kick out.

The Jelly: “And now we come to the final round so popular with our mass Unionist supporting audience here in sunny Balingry .... who is to blame for the mess we are in. I give each contestant a situation and they have to tell me ‘Who is to blame!’

Johann – Nobody is listening to Labour’s Scottish region’s brilliant and progressive politics anymore?”

“ Alex Salmond!”

“Correct – Mr Mundaine, The Tory party in Scotland would not be in such a state of derision if only the Scots would listen to their betters?”

“Alex Salmond!”

“Correct – Mr Harris – If ....Labour Scottish region’s MPs lose their jobs and noses in the Westminster expenses trough after 2014?

“Alex Salmond! I would like just add - vote for me as the undisputed Labour regional champion for Scotland.”

“Correct – Beaker, whose fault is it that investment in the North Sea oil and gas sector is collapsing?”


“Wrong! The correct answer is, of course, ‘Alex Salmond’. Well that is all we have time for tonight, tune in to the Jelly’s Big Debacle next week which is coming from the Govan Cage Fighting and Leisure Club when our panellists will be the Kelly Brothers, the innocent Stephen Purcell and the equally squeaky clean, attender of Labour Scottish region fund raisers - Louis Rodden of Barlinne. Good night from the Jelly and tonight’s panellists in BBC Scotland’s politically impartial and totally balanced, ‘Big Debacle!”

There is a hint of light machine gun fire and burst of the odd hand grenade in the background as the Great Debacle’s theme tune begins.

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