Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Caesar mortuam est: conspiratoris fecit.

There was bloodshed in the senate as previous ardent supporters of Caesar Boris Rotundum stabbed him in the back multiple times. Rotundum's great error was to have won the plebiscite returning Rome to mob rule when he had actually been told to loose. It appears that most of the Tory Senators first response was to send a slave to their money lenders to see if they had sufficient denari to afford to run for leader; leaving Rotundum's ex-friends free to do their grisly and gory work. This reporter, in exchange for not whipping Senate slaves, discovered the weapons the conspirators used to carry out this foul deed were a number of multicoloured rubber chickens which leaves one to consider just how thin skinned Rotundum must have been.

Further investigation discovered the rubber chickens for this evil deed had been supplied by the head of Rome's Fascii, Farage Insipidus. It is not known if Insipidus was in at the kill but we would be surprised, as he prefers to let other people carry out his dirty work while he disappears to enjoy the fruits of his labour. Be sure of this, his sticky fingers are all over the attack as it was his men who disappeared and left Rotundum vulnerable to this chicken attack. He claims he is now seeking early retirement to spend more time with his mistresses, booze and pile of gold at his villa near Pompeii.

The chief  perpetrator of the rubber chicken attack, Gove Minimus, commanded slaves to create a human pyramid to enable him to be high enough to land the first blow on Rotundum, his wife was heard cheering him on from the public gallery, so he could be the victor who brought Rotundum to his knees. After that the rest of them piled in to give Rotundum, in the patois of the plebs, a right good kicking, deflating Rotundum's ego completely from that which had previously filled the Senatus to one which would rattle around in a dice cup, alea iacta est - as the gambler's say.

Yet even as Minimus was laying claim to Rotundum's Toga and position he too came under a rubber chicken attack from his fellow conspirators who now claimed Minimus was just a back stabbing, wee runt who was only out for his own gain and not seeking to return the Empire to its true glory, as Minimus had claimed. It seems the author has under estimated the lethality of a rubber chicken attack when carried out by Tory Senators as Minimus soon retreated from the fray. With the Tory leadership race now in such a state of flux, the Vestigial Virgins have thrown their hat into the leadership ring claiming they are the true upholders of Empire yet even here there is conflict as the head of the "Tenders of the sacred flame of Thatcher", Attila May, and the head of the "Water Carriers of Neoliberalism" faction, Ghengis Leadsom, can not agree which Vestigial Virgin should run for leader. There will be a drawing of lots in the Forum until a winner for the Tory leadership becomes clear. 

It appears the Labour Senators tried to copy the Tory's successful rubber chicken coup on Rotundum on their own leader, Corbinius. According to slaves washing the floors of the Labour Senators' private bath house, no blood has been seen on the floors, yet, though the ghost of Blairius Primus Bellus is still claimed to be haunting its halls. The plebs have called on the Priest of Chillcotus to exorcise this evil spirit from not just the Labour Bath house but all of Rome, for once and for all.

In other news: the denarius is now in free fall against the shekel, at a 30 year low, and trading in Rome's insula, in the financial district, has been suspended as the buildings are on the verge of collapsing, in part due to shaky foundations. Meanwhile the Pictii in far off Scotia are once more in rebellion, threatening Rome's rule over the North. The Mirror, Times, Telegraph and Sun Legions have been sent forth to put these barbarians in their place, yet again, under the leadership of that hero of Empire, Brutus Brachius Confundus.


  1. Replies
    1. Non solum agminis, quae facta sunt adhuc non intelligunt

  2. Let's try and master English before Latin, eh!!

    "Lose" not "Loose". (Line 3)