Saturday, 21 September 2013

Manic, Depression, stable, manic ....

I went off the rails earlier this week.

It is the best way I can think to describe the manic phase, you are like a runaway train where the normal you is the driver who sees what is happening but is powerless to stop the crash (large or small), the damage and injury to yourself, and to others, which is inevitable.

Sometimes you can blow the whistle to warn yourself and others, reducing the collateral damage, but not often. Usually you just hold on and watch the crash happen; knowing pain, self anger and remorse is next up, on the menu. Then you return to 'normal' in the view of those outside your own world. Till next time the pressure in your psychological boiler gets too much and your train runs away with you yet again.

Instead of going to the March for Independence, as I have long planned, I am remaining at home this week end, as I am at the point where I could go either way - more manic or seriously depressed. My self knowledge knows going to the march would be more fuel for my manic side and would not end up well for anyone. Yet maybe it is simply I am punishing myself for being 'bad' by creating remorse that I am not where I promised I would be.

This is the see-saw I seek to balance everyday with a mix of drugs, meditation and psychological tools. This in turn takes a lot of energy, focus and patience from someone is already physically exhausted after five days of manic behaviour and little sleep - so apologies to everyone on the march, wish I was there, but it is better I am not.
The reality is when I am manic, I say and write what I am actually thinking because I do not have the time or energy to wrap it up in niceties. The emotional value and response you place on what I write when I am manic or any other time is yours and yours alone, so take responsibility for it.
To anyone who feels hurt by anything I have written this week, think why do you feel hurt?

To anyone who has become angry by anything I have written this week, ask why are you angry?

Then do you, and the others around you, a favour; forgive yourself and then those who are around you who have helped fuel your hurt or anger by agreeing or disagreeing with you - they meant well.

This is the only way you have any chance of beginning to bring balance your own personal see-saw. Then think of me working my way back up an 80 degree slope, rolling a psychological rock of Sisyphean dimensions, seeking not to slide past the balance point as I do so.

Me, forgiving me is the hardest of all - it is the Sisyphean rock which keeps on coming back, trying to crush me.

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